Crazy Girl

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After I wrote my last post about my mind being a sand trap (It’s true!) I heard this song. Apparently, this is confirmation. I love him like crazy too.

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My mind is a sand trap, it seems….

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I have a great life. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am grateful for all of them.

I am grateful for my family, my son, my home, having a job, being able to pay the bills (most of the time), and so on. However, there are times that I find myself thinking about things, and apparently, this is the week. I hate when it happens, it’s almost like a snowball effect; Once I start thinking something bad about one thing, I start looking for bad things. I am trying really hard to get out of this funk, but it’s very difficult. For example:

– Marriage/Love- I love my significant other. I knew that it was going to be him forever, about 15 minutes after talking to him. There was something about the way he has a rough exterior… but yet, he’s not rough at all. He may not be perfect, but he’s always trying to be the best he can be. That, to me, is perfection. I want to marry him. I would have liked to do it sooner, but I freak out. Currently my freak out is not directly related to our relationship. I have a friend who has feelings for someone else; both persons are married and have kids. It scares the shit out of me. How can a relationship be so far gone that your heart seeks feelings in another? AND, how do people let that happen? I am a firm believer in marriage is forever. You make a vow, you are to keep it. But, when I know people who have lived otherwise, I am finding it bothersome. I know that I would do everything that I can to communicate with my significant other in every possible way to make sure that we protect what we have. This week, due to new information about friends, I find myself worrying about how my significant other feels. Does he realize what he has at home? A woman who is willing to do any and everything to support and encourage him, love and honor him, forever? A beautiful son, who lives to see his daddy every day? A house to come home to? A family, that thinks he is amazing? Does he know these things? Would he risk any of the good that he has…. on someone else? I know, I shouldn’t think this way….but this week, I am.

-People- Yeah, it’s a broad topic. I am continually amazed, and yet, not amazed by people everyday. For example, what good comes from tearing down others? Regardless of those persons actions, who are we to judge? I was not in the persons shoes, so I cannot presume to know the situation. In addition, why do people not see there is a bigger picture to everything, to work, to love, to life…. why can’t people get this?

I have been alone this week quite a bit. That, combined with a toddler getting teeth, not being able to pay bills, and added frustrations in other areas of life, I have been insanely emotional this week. I guess I just want someone to hug me and tell me that I am needed. I am loved. I am appreciated…. and I don’t need to think things like this. No matter how bad my week gets.

 

Digging deeper

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There comes a point when you realize that things aren’t always what they seem. It feels that somehow I have come across some enlightening points in my life lately, that are contributing to my eating/dieting struggles, that I need to address. The question is, how to quiet or calm the beast within?

I am fairly certain that I can trace my current bout of “overweight-ness” to one person. I say current bout, because I was skinny, and I have a feeling that the unresolved issues with this person have led to my needing to eat my feelings. I have recently (within the past two months) had semi-regular dreams about this person. It’s almost as if my sub-conscious is telling me to deal with it. This person made me feel like I was nothing. I was expendable. I need to say clearly now, and though I would like to say it to this person’s face, it’s better that we never see each other again; I would like to say I FORGIVE YOU. The anger I have felt inside of me for so long has consumed my feelings and personality. I do not hold you responsible for what I am currently, I control me, and so, my feelings regarding you have led me here. I will no longer harbor any sort of feelings of negativity towards you. I wish you nothing but the best, and will treat myself better now, than I have before. I deserve to do that

Emotionally, I am in a difficult spot. I am happy at home, with Mike, Austin, and my family. But I am so……ANGRY in other facets of life. I guess I will deal with each of these, one at a time.

I am a work in progress. This week has been tough, not because I can’t do well, but because I couldnt afford to do well. That’s always painful when you have to get the cheap, un-healthy food versus the¬†expensive¬†healthy stuff. I have allowed myself a week off. I will hit the ground running starting Sunday morning, literally. I already am planning on going rollerblading that morning. Next week will also be difficult because Austin and I are going through a ton of changes at once. Hopefully we will make it through the week and get into a new routine and be fine.

Until then, life is crazy, hectic, and stressful; but it’s also beautiful, amazing, and lovely. I will take the good with the bad and press on. This journey of mine is far from over.