There comes a point when you realize that things aren’t always what they seem. It feels that somehow I have come across some enlightening points in my life lately, that are contributing to my eating/dieting struggles, that I need to address. The question is, how to quiet or calm the beast within?

I am fairly certain that I can trace my current bout of “overweight-ness” to one person. I say current bout, because I was skinny, and I have a feeling that the unresolved issues with this person have led to my needing to eat my feelings. I have recently (within the past two months) had semi-regular dreams about this person. It’s almost as if my sub-conscious is telling me to deal with it. This person made me feel like I was nothing. I was expendable. I need to say clearly now, and though I would like to say it to this person’s face, it’s better that we never see each other again; I would like to say I FORGIVE YOU. The anger I have felt inside of me for so long has consumed my feelings and personality. I do not hold you responsible for what I am currently, I control me, and so, my feelings regarding you have led me here. I will no longer harbor any sort of feelings of negativity towards you. I wish you nothing but the best, and will treat myself better now, than I have before. I deserve to do that

Emotionally, I am in a difficult spot. I am happy at home, with Mike, Austin, and my family. But I am so……ANGRY in other facets of life. I guess I will deal with each of these, one at a time.

I am a work in progress. This week has been tough, not because I can’t do well, but because I couldnt afford to do well. That’s always painful when you have to get the cheap, un-healthy food versus the expensive healthy stuff. I have allowed myself a week off. I will hit the ground running starting Sunday morning, literally. I already am planning on going rollerblading that morning. Next week will also be difficult because Austin and I are going through a ton of changes at once. Hopefully we will make it through the week and get into a new routine and be fine.

Until then, life is crazy, hectic, and stressful; but it’s also beautiful, amazing, and lovely. I will take the good with the bad and press on. This journey of mine is far from over.

Advertisements