“It’s All in Your Head,” They Say.

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Ever heard the quote, ” It’s all in your head?” Or how about, “Mind over matter?” What about, “Attitude is everything?”

I have heard them all. I truly believe in most of their meanings and sentiments, however, I cannot understand for the life of me why I cannot follow them!

“It’s all in your head.”

Sometimes it is, really. There are times that I have a “heated” argument or am trying to make a statement, only to make myself look like an ass. There comes a time when I attribute certain thoughts to real life actions and words. The most recent example I have was from an argument with my significant other. He was trying to explain one thing to me, and when I started to bite his head off, he pointed out that the things I was angry about were not at all what he had said! (Say What?) I have no idea if this is something that happens to other people, but it’s annoying. It’s almost as if I am living out my private thoughts at times, and I certainly do not want to do that! They are my thoughts, mine! They need to stay there in my head! I know that recently I have learned that I often do this automatically, and have since tried to change my tune. I need things to stay in my head. I need to pay better attention to what people are really saying, not what my HEAD hears and/or sees them say/do.

“Mind over Matter.”

This quote is the basic premise that your mind is more powerful that the matter in which it is focused upon. In a sense, this is true. Unless of course you are me, and then your mind is a wild beast needing to be tamed. There have been times that I can take a small request and twist it to mean 75 different things. Though each one of these things are untrue, they still have an affect on how I view the request, whether or not I fulfill the request, and to what degree is it done. Oy. Life would be much easier if I didn’t think so damn much.

“Attitude is Everything.”

It really is. Something terrible could happen, but as long as I take it the right way, is it really that terrible? What about things that are relative to ones self? Love, for example, is relative and the attitudes that people have regarding love shape their relationships and life. At what point do I say, I am being as completely positive about a situation as I know how to be, but the situation calls for action, not positiveness? I definitely believe in the validity of this one, but it has plenty of flaws.

Which brings me to my final point of the night. We are all human. We all have flaws. Why does my biggest flaw have to be my brain?

I guess it could be worse right?

 

50 things I think about daily (kind of in order)

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1. What time is it?

2.Did my alarm go off? Did I hit snooze? Oh shit, I am late getting out of bed.

3. Did I forget to rinse my hair in the shower? Shit.

4. Towels in the dryer, damnit. Clothes that never get back in the closet and just sit on the dryer. Damnit.

5. Ugh, I am so fat.

6. I need new clothes. Too bad I don’t have money to get clothes….

7. If I had money, I would spend it on Austin and Mike anyway. I am fine with these pants. They will just fall apart before I get new ones. No worries!

8. Austin.

9.  If I eat bad just one more time….

10. Why can’t he just do the one and only one thing I ask him to do?

11. I just need a hug.

12.  Austin.

13. Did I check the oil in my car? Nope. Guess I will do it later.

14. I want a nap.

15. Did she just say what I think she said?

16.  I don’t care what you think.

17. Do you need a hug?

18. I just need to get out of here for a bit, and maybe get some fast food.

19. Yup, still fat as fuck.

20. Do you need help? I am always afraid to ask anymore.

21. I don’t trust you.

22. Please be kind. I don’t know how much more my brain can take.

23. Did I pay the (insert random bill here) bill? FUCK.

24. Where’s my keys?

25. I need a hug.

26. Austin.

27. Why do these creditors keep calling me? If I had the money, don’t they think I would have paid them by now?

28. Why can’t I just tell you how I feel? Ugh.

29. I am good.

30. Austin.

31. What should I make for dinner? I really need to eat better for Austin. He eats better than me and Mike combined.

32. Why can’t I find motivation anymore? What’s going on?

33. Let’s go play!

34. I love you.

35. You make me happier than any person or thing, ever. Nothing is as great as you.

36. I want to be a better person, for you…. but I am stuck in a rut right now.

37. The trash is still sitting there.

38. Did I feed Lucky? Shit.

39. Did we let Lucky out?

40. I am such a terrible (insert noun here).

41. I miss you so much.

42. I feel so alone.

43. I need something to do.

44.  Is that pee on the floor? Lucky? Austin????

45. I hate spiders. They are everywhere!

46. STOP!

47. Austin.

48. Mike.

49. Austin.

50. Mike.

Crazy Girl

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After I wrote my last post about my mind being a sand trap (It’s true!) I heard this song. Apparently, this is confirmation. I love him like crazy too.

My mind is a sand trap, it seems….

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I have a great life. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am grateful for all of them.

I am grateful for my family, my son, my home, having a job, being able to pay the bills (most of the time), and so on. However, there are times that I find myself thinking about things, and apparently, this is the week. I hate when it happens, it’s almost like a snowball effect; Once I start thinking something bad about one thing, I start looking for bad things. I am trying really hard to get out of this funk, but it’s very difficult. For example:

– Marriage/Love- I love my significant other. I knew that it was going to be him forever, about 15 minutes after talking to him. There was something about the way he has a rough exterior… but yet, he’s not rough at all. He may not be perfect, but he’s always trying to be the best he can be. That, to me, is perfection. I want to marry him. I would have liked to do it sooner, but I freak out. Currently my freak out is not directly related to our relationship. I have a friend who has feelings for someone else; both persons are married and have kids. It scares the shit out of me. How can a relationship be so far gone that your heart seeks feelings in another? AND, how do people let that happen? I am a firm believer in marriage is forever. You make a vow, you are to keep it. But, when I know people who have lived otherwise, I am finding it bothersome. I know that I would do everything that I can to communicate with my significant other in every possible way to make sure that we protect what we have. This week, due to new information about friends, I find myself worrying about how my significant other feels. Does he realize what he has at home? A woman who is willing to do any and everything to support and encourage him, love and honor him, forever? A beautiful son, who lives to see his daddy every day? A house to come home to? A family, that thinks he is amazing? Does he know these things? Would he risk any of the good that he has…. on someone else? I know, I shouldn’t think this way….but this week, I am.

-People- Yeah, it’s a broad topic. I am continually amazed, and yet, not amazed by people everyday. For example, what good comes from tearing down others? Regardless of those persons actions, who are we to judge? I was not in the persons shoes, so I cannot presume to know the situation. In addition, why do people not see there is a bigger picture to everything, to work, to love, to life…. why can’t people get this?

I have been alone this week quite a bit. That, combined with a toddler getting teeth, not being able to pay bills, and added frustrations in other areas of life, I have been insanely emotional this week. I guess I just want someone to hug me and tell me that I am needed. I am loved. I am appreciated…. and I don’t need to think things like this. No matter how bad my week gets.

 

Digging deeper

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There comes a point when you realize that things aren’t always what they seem. It feels that somehow I have come across some enlightening points in my life lately, that are contributing to my eating/dieting struggles, that I need to address. The question is, how to quiet or calm the beast within?

I am fairly certain that I can trace my current bout of “overweight-ness” to one person. I say current bout, because I was skinny, and I have a feeling that the unresolved issues with this person have led to my needing to eat my feelings. I have recently (within the past two months) had semi-regular dreams about this person. It’s almost as if my sub-conscious is telling me to deal with it. This person made me feel like I was nothing. I was expendable. I need to say clearly now, and though I would like to say it to this person’s face, it’s better that we never see each other again; I would like to say I FORGIVE YOU. The anger I have felt inside of me for so long has consumed my feelings and personality. I do not hold you responsible for what I am currently, I control me, and so, my feelings regarding you have led me here. I will no longer harbor any sort of feelings of negativity towards you. I wish you nothing but the best, and will treat myself better now, than I have before. I deserve to do that

Emotionally, I am in a difficult spot. I am happy at home, with Mike, Austin, and my family. But I am so……ANGRY in other facets of life. I guess I will deal with each of these, one at a time.

I am a work in progress. This week has been tough, not because I can’t do well, but because I couldnt afford to do well. That’s always painful when you have to get the cheap, un-healthy food versus the expensive healthy stuff. I have allowed myself a week off. I will hit the ground running starting Sunday morning, literally. I already am planning on going rollerblading that morning. Next week will also be difficult because Austin and I are going through a ton of changes at once. Hopefully we will make it through the week and get into a new routine and be fine.

Until then, life is crazy, hectic, and stressful; but it’s also beautiful, amazing, and lovely. I will take the good with the bad and press on. This journey of mine is far from over.

Goal for July: Not reached

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Ugh. Well, I probably could have reached my goal for July. I had set a goal to lose 20lbs for this month. I lost about 16. I could have lost the 20, but here’s why I didnt:

1. I switched diets halfway. This is probably the biggest factor. I switched because I felt myself craving typically normal foods, with carbs or not, all the time. If my body wants a food that terribly bad, than I need to reconsider why I am not allowing myself to have it. So I switched diets. This SLOWED my metabolism a great deal. Adding carbs back into your diet is tough. All I felt like doing is sleeping and pooping, no lie. Maybe carbs arent that good for us….

2. I cheated, more than once. After I switched diets, I cheated. For an entire weekend I ate. bad idea. I did get back into the swing of doing things right, however, I now had extra weight to lose. GRRR.

3. I had planned on upping my exercise routine. However, with a heat index of 110 most days in July, I was not able to get the kind of exercise I wanted. Rollerblades stayed stagnant. I didnt walk. I didnt ride my bike. Ugh. Stupid heat.

Excuses, excuses! In the past month, however, I have learned a few things. I found a new website that boasts AMAZING recipes that utilizes healthy eating. Every day this week I have been making meals, snacks, and desert from recipes on this site.  Every item is amazing! I wouldnt need to eat “bad” with these substitutes! I am very excited for August, and I am hoping that the heat will not cause me to slow down. I am 46lbs down. I wanted to be 50. It’s ok. I will get there.

This is a journey after all!

Changes are scary….

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For some reason, I decided to switch diets this weekend. I went from my safety zone of Atkins, knowing what to eat and what to expect, to switching to a version of weight watchers. When I say “a version”, it basically means that I follow some of the tenets of WW, but not all. For example, WW has a point limit per day with flex points for the week. I can choose to eat whatever crap I want as long as I am within their point system. Some people choose to eat healthy, but not all.

My version is eating healthy, trying to maintain low carb, and staying sugar free. It works for me, or so I hope. Starting tomorrow, I am off and running on this diet. Additionally, I will be increasing my exercise to a large extent. As a matter of fact, I am getting up at 5:30 am to work out. (ugh)

I am also increasing my water intake and decreasing my pop intake. Remember, I want to stop drinking pop by the end of the year!!!

Changes are scary to me, and I am worried that I may fail. I mean, if this is too difficult, I can always back up and retreat to atkins. I need the carb intake, however, to increase my exercise. I am hoping this works. As of today, I have lost 40lbs. I have 10 more to go to meet my goal for this month.

I can do this. 7 weeks in, and I am still doing well. I have given myself rewards, but not gone crazy. I am focused and strong. Every day I am one step closer to a healthier me!

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