Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a public blog. Oh yeah, I’ve been posting, just not publicly. Sometimes you have a lot going on in your head and you need somewhere to vent, well, this was my place. Now, it’s time for me to get real.
My name is Samantha and I weigh too much. I need to tell you how much, because it’s that part of me that needs to get real. I look in the mirror and see the same person I ALWAYS have, fat or skinny. I have a terrible perception (or wonderful, depending on how you look at it) problem! I need to lose weight because I FEEL awful. Not me personally, but my body. I feel it and I don’t like it. So here I am getting real.
I used to weigh 125lbs back in 2004. I was a hot little chickie with more than one guy chasing me. It was good times! I started dating my SO, and I noticed that even though guys/men knew I was in a relationship, they still pursued me/flirted with me/etc. I had a really hard time with that. (problem one) I didn’t know how to tell these guys go away. I didn’t want to be mean. (I was also 21, and very naive)
Second problem; My SO and I moved in together in 2007. I think I weighed 180lbs. In three years I had gained 55lbs. That’s a crazy amount of weight! I had planned on losing weight, but moving in with someone other than family was REALLY hard for me. I had never lived outside of my parents home. The first year living together was tough. I gained another 20lbs. In 2008, I started to lose weight. I got back down to 175. I was in size 14 clothes and felt really good about myself. Then my world was completely changed: my SO’s nieces came to live with us. Everything was harder and more stressful. I ate to help me get through it. I got back up, and then some. I weighed 240lbs by summer 2010. In summer 2010, I also got pregnant. I only gained 7lbs total while I was pregnant and lost 28 after the pregnancy. I thought I would jump into wanting to lose weight, but I wasn’t ready yet. Instead I packed on more weight.
Problem three. Here I sit at 260lbs. 260lbs!!!! I can’t even believe I am saying it on here. I need to though. I helps me realize I have a problem. My problem now is this: now that I have gone through all the problems that come with early adulthood, I now cling to my weight as a security. Why lose weight? I am so worried that people will treat me differently. I don’t want attention from men; the only person I have ever wanted attention from is my husband. As fat as I keep getting, he keeps loving me.This weight, that I hate is also the weight that I crave and need. I need it to feel secure. Or do I?
I want to lose weight. BAD. Worse now than ever and I think that I am finally ready. I know what is going on with me and why it’s not been successful the past few years. I know that I can lose weight. I am driven and have done it in the past; I can do it again.
So here they are, my goals. I have learned that I need to NOT put a timeline on change. I am not in a race right now. I am making a change. I need to take this one day at a time because the first month is going to be HARD. I am going to want to quit a hundred times in a day, but I need to do better and be better. I want my son to know a healthy lifestyle. I want to have another child within the next year… but I don’t want to do it fat.
1. Lose 10lbs.
2. Lose 10lbs.
3. Lose 20lbs
4. Lose 20lbs
5. Lose 20lbs.
6. Lose 30lbs.
I am breaking them down by weight increment instead of by date, as I said above.
Finding time to exercise is going to be VERY hard, but I have to do it. I have to. I am done letting myself down. It’s time for my reality check.
I am Samantha and I weigh 260lbs….. but not much longer.