It’s Been a While… and a reality check

Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a public blog. Oh yeah, I’ve been posting, just not publicly. Sometimes you have a lot going on in your head and you need somewhere to vent, well, this was my place. Now, it’s time for me to get real.
My name is Samantha and I weigh too much. I need to tell you how much, because it’s that part of me that needs to get real. I look in the mirror and see the same person I ALWAYS have, fat or skinny. I have a terrible perception (or wonderful, depending on how you look at it) problem! I need to lose weight because I FEEL awful. Not me personally, but my body. I feel it and I don’t like it. So here I am getting real.

I used to weigh 125lbs back in 2004. I was a hot little chickie with more than one guy chasing me. It was good times! I started dating my SO, and I noticed that even though guys/men knew I was in a relationship, they still pursued me/flirted with me/etc. I had a really hard time with that. (problem one) I didn’t know how to tell these guys go away. I didn’t want to be mean. (I was also 21, and very naive)

Second problem; My SO and I moved in together in 2007. I think I weighed 180lbs. In three years I had gained 55lbs. That’s a crazy amount of weight! I had planned on losing weight, but moving in with someone other than family was REALLY hard for me. I had never lived outside of my parents home. The first year living together was tough. I gained another 20lbs. In 2008, I started to lose weight. I got back down to 175. I was in size 14 clothes and felt really good about myself. Then my world was completely changed: my SO’s nieces came to live with us. Everything was harder and more stressful. I ate to help me get through it. I got back up, and then some. I weighed 240lbs by summer 2010. In summer 2010, I also got pregnant. I only gained 7lbs total while I was pregnant and lost 28 after the pregnancy. I thought I would jump into wanting to lose weight, but I wasn’t ready yet. Instead I packed on more weight.

Problem three. Here I sit at 260lbs. 260lbs!!!! I can’t even believe I am saying it on here. I need to though. I helps me realize I have a problem. My problem now is this: now that I have gone through all the problems that come with early adulthood, I now cling to my weight as a security. Why lose weight? I am so worried that people will treat me differently. I don’t want attention from men; the only person I have ever wanted attention from is my husband. As fat as I keep getting, he keeps loving me.This weight, that I hate is also the weight that I crave and need. I need it to feel secure. Or do I?

I want to lose weight. BAD. Worse now than ever and I think that I am finally ready. I know what is going on with me and why it’s not been successful the past few years. I know that I can lose weight. I am driven and have done it in the past; I can do it again.

So here they are, my goals. I have learned that I need to NOT put a timeline on change. I am not in a race right now. I am making a change. I need to take this one day at a time because the first month is going to be HARD. I am going to want to quit a hundred times in a day, but I need to do better and be better. I want my son to know a healthy lifestyle. I want to have another child within the next year… but I don’t want to do it fat.

GOALS:

1. Lose 10lbs.

2. Lose 10lbs.

3. Lose 20lbs

4. Lose 20lbs

5. Lose 20lbs.

6. Lose 30lbs.
I am breaking them down by weight increment instead of by date, as I said above.

Finding time to exercise is going to be VERY hard, but I have to do it. I have to. I am done letting myself down. It’s time for my reality check.

I am Samantha and I weigh 260lbs….. but not much longer.

Nine days of change….

It’s been nine days and I have accomplished the following:

– I have eaten healthy EVERY day.

-I have exercised all but one day, and that was a reward to myself!

-I have lost NINE pounds. Ironic, nine days, nine pounds…..

-I have completely organized my closet in my master bedroom, much to the dismay of my SO. He will get over it and like it!

It’s only been nine days, and I feel more energetic and happy in these nine days than I probably have felt in the past nine months. Here’s to change!

2012- The Year of Change?

I am not sure if any year in my life equates to more change than 2010. I had a baby and got a house. I am however, hoping that 2012 comes a very close second. I have a lot of expectations for 2012. They include the following:

1. I am on a mission to lose weight and get healthy again. I am doing this for a few reasons- mainly my family. I don’t want to be exhausted chasing my son around….AND I would like to add to our family in the near future, if you get the hint. Living the way that I have been living these past few years, I feel as though I am in a fog. I wasn’t ready to leave the fog until just recently. I am over it already!

2. After moving into our house in 2010, and all the work that we had to do to get it in living condition, more updates and repairs were put on hold because we were EXHAUSTED.  I have assigned an aspect of my house to a month and will complete projects during that month on that aspect. January, for example, is CLOSETS. I hate my closets. They are so small…. but I think I have figured out a way to make them work. That is number one on my list. You can read about my progress on my other blog here : http://buckeyerenovation.wordpress.com/

3. I am FINALLY getting married. My SO and I have been together for eight years. We have a house and a son together. We’ve set a date and are starting to make some plans. I am ready!

There’s no telling what else might happen in 2012 to make this a great year, but my expectations are high. This year I will get myself together and come out a better person!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Going Fast Food Free!

I did it once. I stopped drinking diet soda. I knew it was bad all along. I havent had a diet soda, or regular soda for that matter, since the beginning of October. That makes two months. I feel so much better than I did when I was drinking pop. I had headaches all the time; craved the soda which in turn lead to craving bad food! Now that I am completely over soda pop, I am now moving on to step two- going fast food free.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not cutting this out out of my life completely. That is almost impossible I think, having a significant other than can eat meals made for four people and not gain an ounce….  I am however, going to make fast food a “last resort” or “treat only” situation, probably the way that it is supposed to be.

The last time that I had fast food was Sunday Morning. I had McDonalds Breakfast (insert YUM here). However, I had it as a last resort. The time I had fast food before that was Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  So, here I am, going on 3 days. I know this might sound ridiculous, but when you’ve gotten into bad habits, they are so hard to break. I am taking it one step at a time. First pop. Second fast food. I am pretty sure what number three will be, but as of right now, I am going by what my body tells me to do.

I am confident that I will FINALLY be able to meet my goals as long as I continue to NOT force myself to do something that someone or something else tells me that I should do. I have always done things in my own time and on my own, and will have to do this in the same manner.

Wish me luck. French Fries are a hard one to get rid of!

Things I miss the most

Surviving a relationship that consists of one person working one shift, while the other person works and entirely different shift is extremely difficult. People cannot assume they understand what it is like unless they have been in the situation; people can also not understand how terribly difficult it is. To see the person you love only two days a week, to hear their voice for 15 minutes a day total, and to watch your child search for their daddy is heart breaking. So, instead of thinking of all the things that suck about the situation I will remind myself and others of the things that you should be grateful for. You never know when they may be taken away from you. The things I miss the most:

1. Having someone to talk to at the end of the day. I miss being able to come home and unload all my burdens, thoughts, and feelings, upon my significant other(SO). Like I said, we get 15 minutes a day to talk most of the time, and much of that time is going over bills, mundane daily questions (did you let the dog out, where is the phone charger, etc), and the child. All very important things, but as the days go by, much of what I need to say and/or release goes unsaid and is stuffed down. It’s not about my SO, but him being the only person I have ever felt ok to open up to entirely, my ability to open up has gone back to a bare minimum.

2. Having something to do in the evening and looking forward to doing it. This could be as simple as watching TV together or going to the park with our son. Either way, I miss doing things on a regular basis as a family. I miss getting excited to go and do things and see how our son reacts. I miss our interactions as a family.

3. Hugs and Kisses. Two days worth just arent enough. I feel so empty inside at times. I just want to be held so badly. One kiss…. as we are running out the door is just not enough.

4. Feeling Safe at night. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe at night. I check the locks and doors probably 6 times each before I go to bed, and even then I still freak out.

5. Not being a single mother. Yes, I am in a relationship with someone I love dearly. But the truth is, I am a single mother. I do most everything for my child with very little assistance. I pay the bills. I clean the house. I go get the food. I cook the food. I parent my son and take care of our dog…. all by myself.

6. Going out with family and/or friends.  Because we only have two days together, it’s hard to justify the selfish need to spend time away from our son or away from each other. So we don’t. We pick and choose and try to stay together as much as possible; but we really miss being adults and having fun.

7. Being able to sleep with the windows open. Again, because I am afraid and alone, I don’t leave the windows open when there is an opportunity to do so. The whole fall season passed and I have not yet slept with a window open.

8. Having support and feeling loved. I know that my SO loves me. He wouldnt be doing what he is doing if he didnt. I just miss hearing, seeing, and feeling that love on a daily basis. My heart feels so empty through the week.

My life is not terrible at all. The situation that I am in is less than ideal. We definitely try to make the most of the time that we have, however, I miss so many things that a normal person takes for granted.

Living my life free of Diet Pop/Soda

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, so I guess I should start with the fact that I am indeed DIET (and regular) POP/SODA FREE! It was a long term goal of mine- to be completely rid of the pop by the end of 2011.

A study was released in mid-October about the long-term effects of diet pop and I decided the very next day to stop all together. I can’t find the link to the study…. I think that I might have it at work somewhere, but I can tell you this:

1. If you are considering stopping, just do it. Don’t wait.

2. Buy Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate candy bars and keep them with you at all times. Depending on the severity of your diet pop and/or caffeine addiction, you will probably start with 1-2 bars. I started with 2 bars in a day to keep the pounding headaches at bay. After a couple days I was down to one bar, two days later down to miniatures. I am currently (two weeks later) free of needing anything.

3. If you were a pop drinker for the flavor, find something else. I suggest Vitamin Water XXX Zero. It’s sweet enough to take the place of a diet soda, but with no harmful effects, loaded with vitamins, and it tastes good.

4. If you were drinking pop because you don’t like the taste of water, I suggest SoBe Lifewater. It tastes good, and it’s water!

5. Stick to it and add your new habit into your lifestyle. This was hard the first week. When other people are getting pop, I was getting water. Water is better. Much better. I am making a conscious choice to do what is better. My choices have now become habit.

I consider myself very lucky to have this willpower to quit drinking pop. Now, if only I could find a way to get rid of fast food. Oy. That’s next up on the list.

Just one though for the night….

How in the world am I supposed to be a good upright person, when I am surrounded by people who;
1. Don’t get the big picture.
2. I get over looked and stepped on…..REPEATEDLY.
3. Don’t appreciate what they have.
4. Can’t tell the truth from a lie.
5. Turn their bright lights on at 6am when there is fog…. really? REALLY?

Ok. Thought over. I need to go to bed.

“It’s All in Your Head,” They Say.

Ever heard the quote, ” It’s all in your head?” Or how about, “Mind over matter?” What about, “Attitude is everything?”

I have heard them all. I truly believe in most of their meanings and sentiments, however, I cannot understand for the life of me why I cannot follow them!

“It’s all in your head.”

Sometimes it is, really. There are times that I have a “heated” argument or am trying to make a statement, only to make myself look like an ass. There comes a time when I attribute certain thoughts to real life actions and words. The most recent example I have was from an argument with my significant other. He was trying to explain one thing to me, and when I started to bite his head off, he pointed out that the things I was angry about were not at all what he had said! (Say What?) I have no idea if this is something that happens to other people, but it’s annoying. It’s almost as if I am living out my private thoughts at times, and I certainly do not want to do that! They are my thoughts, mine! They need to stay there in my head! I know that recently I have learned that I often do this automatically, and have since tried to change my tune. I need things to stay in my head. I need to pay better attention to what people are really saying, not what my HEAD hears and/or sees them say/do.

“Mind over Matter.”

This quote is the basic premise that your mind is more powerful that the matter in which it is focused upon. In a sense, this is true. Unless of course you are me, and then your mind is a wild beast needing to be tamed. There have been times that I can take a small request and twist it to mean 75 different things. Though each one of these things are untrue, they still have an affect on how I view the request, whether or not I fulfill the request, and to what degree is it done. Oy. Life would be much easier if I didn’t think so damn much.

“Attitude is Everything.”

It really is. Something terrible could happen, but as long as I take it the right way, is it really that terrible? What about things that are relative to ones self? Love, for example, is relative and the attitudes that people have regarding love shape their relationships and life. At what point do I say, I am being as completely positive about a situation as I know how to be, but the situation calls for action, not positiveness? I definitely believe in the validity of this one, but it has plenty of flaws.

Which brings me to my final point of the night. We are all human. We all have flaws. Why does my biggest flaw have to be my brain?

I guess it could be worse right?

 

50 things I think about daily (kind of in order)

1. What time is it?

2.Did my alarm go off? Did I hit snooze? Oh shit, I am late getting out of bed.

3. Did I forget to rinse my hair in the shower? Shit.

4. Towels in the dryer, damnit. Clothes that never get back in the closet and just sit on the dryer. Damnit.

5. Ugh, I am so fat.

6. I need new clothes. Too bad I don’t have money to get clothes….

7. If I had money, I would spend it on Austin and Mike anyway. I am fine with these pants. They will just fall apart before I get new ones. No worries!

8. Austin.

9.  If I eat bad just one more time….

10. Why can’t he just do the one and only one thing I ask him to do?

11. I just need a hug.

12.  Austin.

13. Did I check the oil in my car? Nope. Guess I will do it later.

14. I want a nap.

15. Did she just say what I think she said?

16.  I don’t care what you think.

17. Do you need a hug?

18. I just need to get out of here for a bit, and maybe get some fast food.

19. Yup, still fat as fuck.

20. Do you need help? I am always afraid to ask anymore.

21. I don’t trust you.

22. Please be kind. I don’t know how much more my brain can take.

23. Did I pay the (insert random bill here) bill? FUCK.

24. Where’s my keys?

25. I need a hug.

26. Austin.

27. Why do these creditors keep calling me? If I had the money, don’t they think I would have paid them by now?

28. Why can’t I just tell you how I feel? Ugh.

29. I am good.

30. Austin.

31. What should I make for dinner? I really need to eat better for Austin. He eats better than me and Mike combined.

32. Why can’t I find motivation anymore? What’s going on?

33. Let’s go play!

34. I love you.

35. You make me happier than any person or thing, ever. Nothing is as great as you.

36. I want to be a better person, for you…. but I am stuck in a rut right now.

37. The trash is still sitting there.

38. Did I feed Lucky? Shit.

39. Did we let Lucky out?

40. I am such a terrible (insert noun here).

41. I miss you so much.

42. I feel so alone.

43. I need something to do.

44.  Is that pee on the floor? Lucky? Austin????

45. I hate spiders. They are everywhere!

46. STOP!

47. Austin.

48. Mike.

49. Austin.

50. Mike.

Crazy Girl

 

After I wrote my last post about my mind being a sand trap (It’s true!) I heard this song. Apparently, this is confirmation. I love him like crazy too.